if it's only a game you lost me, i quit it with a suicidal recital
and being lonely is only fun in a group but it sorta loses it's charm when it's true

❧

It was maybe 2 in the morning, the party had ended and Felix wasn't sure what had happened but neither did he truly care. He had found himself wandering to the woods, his mind full with emotions, thoughts, feelings and it was all bottled up like it has been for years. There was never a sign of the damage that had been done on him. He always had it hidden carefully behind a mask of calmth and manners. He tried to be grown up enough for it to not matter to him. He tried to show that nothing anyone did could harm him the way it always does. 

Felix's hand was shaky as he made his way further in the woods, the silence telling him he was alone at last. Felix had a slide of hand and he nicked cigarettes from a housemate earlier along with their lighter, they didn't need it and he surely did. Never did he think he would pick up the disgusting habit of smoking and he didn't not really. He just wanted to watch the cigarette burn like his sanity was burning away with it. 

With his shaky hands he reached for a cigarette and the lighter and started to light it up, it only took two tries to make it work. He coughed a little because god it was disgusting and in that moment he knew that this was the worst kind of therapy a person could ask for. Felix held it away enough not to inhale more of the disgusting smoke but he watched it burn like a tiny candle, a tiny smelly candle. 

"One day you will understand, boy. You will see why I do what I do to you and everyone else. Because Bianchi's are men, not boys." 

His father's words echoing like he was actually there, tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. All he did was try to be a man, try to be the man his father was molding him into being but he wasn't a man was he? He was surrounded by people his age and they laughed, they had fun, they allow themselves to be what they are, children. 

"One day you will understand that you can't be another fish in the pond. You have to be the shark, be above the other fish."

Why? There were tons of students, tons of teenagers and sure some were more evolved than he was when it came to their emotional range but many were simply trying to enjoy their lives. Why wasn't he allowed to do the same? What was stopping him to do the same? He even tried the dating thing and for once that made him feel more.. human. It made him feel like a person and not the soldier his father was making him out to be. 

"Love is nothing but an illusion. I don't love any of you, neither do I love your mother but yet you have a roof over your heads and I have a good marriage. Love isn't real and you will need to know you'll never find it."

But wasn't it real? If it wasn't real why did he make Rosa upset when he shared a cookie with Viola? When Viola kissed him and they just laughed it off. Wasn't that meant to be real? Wasn't that love? Whether it was friend love, sibling love or actual romance? Felix felt more tears roll down his cheeks, his shaky hand almost dropping the cigarette he watched burn with a faint and blurry vision. 

"This punishment boy is something you deserve every single second of every single day. Every single hit, every single punch is because you slip up and you are still not a man, boy!" 

"STOOOOOP." he tossed the cigarette and sank down on the ground, crying as he did so. The voice in his head, his father's words pressuring it's way into his mind it drove him crazy. It drove him crazy how different the world was compared to his words and that he was almost alienated from it. 

Felix let out a scream and sobbed against a tree. He heard noises which could be spiders coming to eat him or whatever but he didn't care. He felt like everything in his mind exploded. His screams echoed even in his own head and Felix had no idea how long it took for him to stop. For his throat to hurt from the amount of noise it made, noise it hasn't made in a long time. 

Felix let out a final scream before his throat made him stop. A cough followed before he just closed his eyes and sat there. His body was shuddering and his eyes hadn't stopped letting the tears flow. The pain in his body was non existent, he barely felt his body as he was completely and utterly exhausted. No he wasn't going to be the man his father was trying to mold him to be. 

He wasn't going to be the man people expected him to become. None of the expectations, none of the bullshit or the insults could make a difference, they never did, they never will. Felix wanted to move but he couldn't, he was too tired. He wanted to speak but his voice was silenced by pain. 

"You're weak Felix. Thinking you can fight off what I am teaching you, thinking you can be different and make demands. You are nothing without your family. You are nothing without ME." 

So what if he was nothing. Maybe nothing was better than a Bianchi. Maybe nothing is what he needed to be to be him. So what? Did it even matter? Felix was fine with being nothing to his father, he knew better. 

"Fuck.. off.." 

word count ● no one though possible mentions ● this is a oneshot of Felix's mental breakdown, there will be soft mentions of physical abuse and emotional damage